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Childless By Dishonesty? Good Advice May Come From an Unlikely Source

Childless by dishonesty: When a partner says he wants children but doesn't. By the time the truth comes out, it can be devastating...and too late.

I was introduced to the idea of childlessness-by-marriage by Sue Lick’s blog where I learned various ways the concept can present itself.  Recently, it was Dear Abby who revealed yet another version that I was surprised I hadn’t thought of. I’ve edited the letter here, but not to worry. The writer’s pain is just as raw.

Dear Abby: I had been single a long time when I married a wonderful man, ‘Edgar,’ who had custody of his 2 children. After we had dated awhile, he told me about his vasectomy. He said he and his wife had agreed not to have any more children…As our relationship progressed, Edgar told me he would have the vasectomy reversed if I wanted to have children – which I said I definitely did. After 2 years of marriage, I finally brought up the subject. Edgar then informed me he didn’t want to reverse the operation. He said he couldn’t handle having another child..Abby, I am crushed. I thought Edgar loved me enough to give me children out of our union and love. I love his children and wouldn’t favor our children over his. I would never consider leaving Edgar over this, but I don’t know if I can ever forgive him for deceiving me and leading me on.”

Signed, “Childless and Heartbroken“.

Just. Damn.

It doesn’t seem to matter to the writer whether Edgar lied to her 2 years ago when he said he’d reverse the procedure, or if now, 2 years older, he’s realized that the pre-dawn screams of a hungry infant are sounds that he never wants to hear again.

Would it matter to you? Is a deal a deal, no matter what? Of course, it is telling that the letter makes no mention of Edgar mentioning a change of heart. Instead, she describes his responses as being flatly concrete.

Abby’s response includes a plea for couples considering marriage to go through prenuptial counseling “to ensure compatibility.” ENSURE? Seriously? Yeah, ’cause nobody ever lies to a pastor or counselor.

Just as I was sure Abby was losing it, her response ended with a gem that reminded me why the public has kept ‘Dear Abby’ around for 56 years. She wrote:

“While you would never leave him, [Edgar's] dishonesty is grounds for an annulment of the marriage.”

Smooth, Abby girl.

When Childless and Heartbroken was typing her letter on a tear-stained keyboard, she meant what she wrote. She wants to be with Edgar ’til Death do them part.

But, what if it’s his lie that “do them part”? Or, his change of mind? Or whatever the hell it was? It might never happen. They may make it through this trial. Nevertheless, Abby let Childless know she has an option out, and a fairly easy one at that.

There was no lecture. No “You should’s” or “You should have’s”. Only information thatChildless really, really needs to have.

Abby is OK by me.

*Dear Abby is syndicated by Universal Uclick.

This post is contributed by a community member. The views expressed in this blog are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Patch Media Corporation. Everyone is welcome to submit a post to Patch. If you'd like to post a blog, go here to get started.

Kim L October 16, 2012 at 06:06 AM
Karen I really think you do need help you should talk to fellow blogger Gene Benedetto, Psychologist I have tried to read your blogs but you come across as very bitter and angry,I am sorry that that you are so bitter since the people who even read you blogs could be counted on one hand
Karen Malone Wright October 30, 2012 at 11:09 PM
If you could read this woman's story and not be heartbroken, and yes, angry for her situation, more power to you, Kim. I write to share not only my story, but thousands of others. Thanks for the comment, but perhaps you should just keep reading the psychologist.
Murphy-Solon October 31, 2012 at 12:54 AM
Why is it that women seem tougher on each other then most men would be? c'mon Kim L., put yourself in Childless's shoes. Children and financial stability seem to be high priorities for women and that's coming from a guy. Childless didn't hide her intentions, why should she except her husband's change of hear if children our important to her? Take it from the horses mouth, guys can tend to be selfish, he had children and is content. A couple is the pairing of two not one.
Debbie S. October 31, 2012 at 03:07 AM
Just ignore the trolls, Karen. Kim L. probably couldn't read your post because it used correct grammar and punctuation. She obviously has trouble in those areas herself. Maybe if she keeps trying to read your blog, she'll improve!
Jack Kelly October 31, 2012 at 11:29 AM
"since the people who even read you blogs could be counted on one hand." How old are you? 12? Maybe 13? Oh, you're an adult. Hmm..interesting. Oh, and you read this. So what does that say about you? Nobody cares.

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