Denial can be a road block to self-improvement

If you find yourself having to deal with a personally challenging or distressing situation it can be extremely helpful to understand what denial is and how it works. Denial is a psychological defense mechanism that gives you time to adjust to a very difficult situation. This is such an effective way of initially coping that the temptation is to stay in denial, to live in denial as it were, by denying there is a problem at all, which obviously can be extremely unhealthy for you and those close to you.

To quote an article by the Mayo Clinic: ‘In some cases, a little denial can be a good thing. Being in denial for a short period can be a healthy coping mechanism, giving you time to adjust to a painful or stressful issue. It might also be a precursor to making some sort of change in your life. Still, denial has a dark side. Being in denial for too long can prevent you from effectively dealing with issues that require action, such as a health crisis or a financial situation.’

So how can you avoid this potential trap – let’s face it, to be told you are in denial when you are in denial is a bit like knocking on a deaf man’s door – you will be knocking for a very long time!

I have succumbed to the denial temptation - comforted by the delusion that if I deny the problem it doesn’t exist and therefore I don’t have to deal with it. Bottom line: denial is a form of lying to yourself and your loved ones. In my situation the reason I was seduced was because I was so afraid of the change that this problem presented. I believed I actually couldn’t deal with it – I couldn’t survive facing this problem. As the oncology social worker Leah de Roulet put it ‘The needs that the denial masks may be so important or painful to the patient that the only way for them to tolerate the reality is to deny it.’ The fear was so much greater than the overwhelming logic of needing to deal with the problem I lived in denial for many years and actually in effect stopped living because of it. On the outside I was so determined to convince myself and others that there wasn’t a problem but on the inside I was literally drowning in an emotionally traumatized state.

A trusted friend introduced me to an article about why people live in denial and why they lie about it which helped me see what my denial was denying me – life! From this point I could be a little more honest about what I was afraid of. I found the more honest I was able to be the more I was actually able to cope and properly deal with the problem.

Now when I look back what I was doing is all so obvious but when you give in to the temptation of denial you are under its spell and it does take time to break free of it. The wonderful benefit of this hard-won life experience is that I am so much stronger because of it. I can now be much more honest about my fears and insecurities and use denial as a coping tool in a self-aware way instead of it trapping me in the darkness of fear and uncertainty.